Depression is not a joke.

Kpop for me is fun, entertaining, inspiring. That is why I feel terrible after hearing the bad news that one of Korea’s finest Jonghyun (though I don’t know him personally) committed suicide due to depression. Jonghyun is part of the Kpop group SHINee, where Taemin, who I recently got to know because of MAMA2017 is also a member of.

I never really knew Jongyun but I know that he, too, was selfless and tried so hard to make his fans happy, just like what my Kpop biases always do. I learned to love Kpop just this year (refer to my previous blog), and Kpop really makes my day. It inspires me a lot, gives me hope, and makes me happy. But even Kpop, no matter how perfect it seems, is imperfect.

Truth is you can pretend you’re happy on the outside but only you know how you truly feel deep down and it is very important for you to be happy. I guess Jonghyun was really a selfless guy that he forgot to put his own happiness first before others. Me, on the other hand, I consider myself as someone who is selfish, who doesn’t care about how others feel because I don’t know, I really am confused with how things are going on in my life, either, and am having a hard time coping up with life’s pressures and changes. Honestly, I’ve also thought about suicide and how miserable it would’ve been. The thing that keeps me going is Jesus. In Him, I find hope, peace, joy everlasting.

Here is a copy of the final letter Jonghyun gave to his sister:

I am broken from the inside.
The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole.
And I could not defeat it.

I detested myself. I grabbed my disjointed memories and yelled at them to pull themselves together but was met with no response.
If I can’t help myself breathe properly it’s better to stop breathing at all.
I asked myself who was responsible for me.

Only I.
I was utterly alone.
It’s easy to talk about the end.
It’s hard to actually end.
I lived until now because of that difficulty.
I told myself I wanted to run.
Yes, I wanted to run.
From myself.
From you.
I asked who was there. It was me. It was me again. And it was me yet again.
I asked why I kept losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. So It’s all my fault in the end. I wanted people to notice but no one did. They’ve never even met me so of course they don’t know I exist.

I asked why they live. They just live, just live on.
If you ask why I die I would answer I am exhausted.
I have suffered and pondered. I never learned how to turn this exhausting pain into bliss.

Pain is just that, pain.
They scolded me not to do this.
Why? Why can’t I even end things the way I want to?

They told me to find out why I hurt.
I know too well. I hurt because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No. I have done nothing wrong.

When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, ‘damn being a doctor is easy.’
It’s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine. Maybe that’s not true. There’s no one alive that’s got it worse than me or is weaker than me.

But I should live on anyway.
I keep asking myself why I should hundreds of times and it’s not for my own good. It’s for yours.
Please don’t say a word if you don’t understand.
Find out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that, do I need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason?

I told you already. Were you not listening? Things you can overcome don’t scar you for life.
Clashing with the world was never meant for me.
The life of fame was never meant for me.
That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this. It’s so funny.
It’s a wonder I lasted so long.

What can I say. Just tell me I’ve done well. That this is good enough. That I’ve worked hard. Even if you can’t smile don’t fault me on my way. You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye.

– SHINee’s Jonghyun